Do you ever wonder about the amazing gifts our pets bestow upon us? I have been pondering this ever since our 13 year old cat, May Ling disappeared 10 days ago. One day she was very much a part of our lives, always meowing for attention and jumping on anyone who sat for more than a minute, and the next moment she had vanished.Not a trace of her anywhere. I don’t know what is worse, not knowing where she is, or what become of her, or my guilt over feeling that I didn’t love her enough.
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| May Ling (the light cat) and Ryuuki on our window seat |
Oh, I know that sounds wicked. I mean who wouldn’t love a cuddly, sweet, adorable cat? The only thing she ever wanted to do ever since she arrived on our doorstep was to love and be loved. Unconditionally. But I just couldn’t open my heart wide enough to embrace her fully. You see, the fall that she was born, (Oct 28, 2001) I had finally become pregnant with our Soulbaby. A baby that we had tried a long time to conceive. We got pregnant right after the September 11th terrorist attack. Although it was an unbelievable dark time in the world, getting pregnant at last, was a tiny bright spot full of hope in our lives.
Our first beloved Siamese cat named, Ninja, had died at the ripe old age of 16 the year before, and once we became pregnant with Soulbaby, D and I thought it would be a good time to give our children a new cat. In early November, we met a local breeder of Siamese cats. Her female had just had kittens and D and I went to meet the kittens. I fell in love with a little male AND his sister who were both Seal point Siamese, which was Ninja’s colouring. Although we planned to get only one cat, we left the breeder’s home with a sales agreement for the little male and the female.
Sadly, at the end of November, I miscarried Soulbaby. It had been a really difficult experience, as I went in to check on baby at 10 weeks and baby’s heart beat had just stopped based on the ultra sound dating. Since I was still in the 1st trimester, my Doctor thought I should just let things happen naturally. I waited and waited but nothing happened. Finally, at almost 12 weeks, I went in for a check up only to discover my uterus had continued to grow, as if it wasn’t ready to say good bye. Due to the risk of infection, at 12 weeks, I went in to the hospital for an induced miscarriage.
Even though we were grieving over the loss of Soulbaby, we decided that we would move ahead with the purchase of the kittens. Just before Christmas, we picked up little Samurai and Misumi. They were so tiny and sweet, little creamy white balls of fur. The female, Misumi, adjusted to life in our busy home easily, eating and racing around with her little grey tail flying in the air. Sammy was quiet and seemed to enjoy sleeping on the velvet pillow I placed in front of our gas fireplace. He didn’t seem to be thriving so we decided to take him into our vet for a check up. We were sent home with special kitten food and formula with little bottles for him to take in a bit more nourishment.
While D and the kids went up skiing over Christmas, I carried Sammy around in my arms, feeding him and telling him to fight and live up to his Samurai, warrior name. He grew weaker and weaker though and after several more days we took him back to the vet who told us that they believed the kitten had some abnormality with his digestive system.They agreed to take him in and try to get him to rally but he never did. After 2 more days the vet suggested we put him to sleep. He was 10 weeks old when we watched him close his eyes for the last time. I had lost my Soulbaby at 10 weeks and now little Sammy at 10 weeks.
We wrapped him in a little fur blanket and he was gently put in a little box. We carried him, light as a feather, home and D, dug a grave next to where Ninja was buried. D made a heart shaped plaque with his name and age and we said a tearful goodbye. I never knew I could cry so hard for a kitten but the tears poured out of me. I cried for the loss of our baby and now for this tiny innocent life. Had I done enough to keep him alive? .
I was really mad at the breeder too because I felt she had let the kittens be weaned too soon. If he had had a bit more time with his mother, I felt he would have had a good chance but she had said that the mom hadn’t been very strong after the birth of the kittens and weaning early seemed like the best thing to do. As compensation for Samurai’s loss, (could there be any?) she said that she had one female left. She was the runt of the litter and the breeder had been giving her extra attention to make sure she survived. She was a blue lynx point, taking after the father, and the breeder said she was very sweet-natured.
Although, I had really wanted a brother, sister set, we agreed to take the female and the moment we met her we could see that she was a lovely kitten. She had been babied though and she was used to LOTS of attention. That was great for our kids who just loved the two sisters. We were so focused on ensuring the new kitten, who we named, May Ling grew. We gave her lots of special kitten food and she quickly developed a fat tummy which prompted the kids to affectionately call her, “Wide Load.”
She was a sweet kitten and the two sisters were such a joy to have in our home but I never spent too much time cuddling them or giving them too much attention. I was still grieving for Soulbaby and reeling over the loss of Sammy. I couldn’t keep my baby or the tiny kitten alive and I can remember feeling so inadequate as a mother. I was in a fog.
By the time Spring came and the sun with it, our oldest daughter Alyssa and May Ling were connected. As soon as Alyssa came home from school, May Ling would be by her side.
Misumi, who grew into an adventurous, fearless cat, was beloved by our boys. With the warm days of spring, I found joy emerging and before March ended I discovered I was pregnant once again. Our 5th child, Grace Elizabeth, arrived the following December. She was born one year and a week after we said a final goodbye to Soulbaby.
Christmas 2002 was happy in our house with a healthy baby girl and our kittens had grown into mischievous cats. With 5 children ranging in age from 12 to newborn, I of course was focused on keeping the kids healthy and happy. My vision of a great marriage, beautiful children and 2 cats in the yard had come true.
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| May Ling was always wanting to be in every picture and family celebration |
During the 2008 summer, Misumi went missing. We were all so devastated and May Ling went around crying for her sister. As a result of posters we had put up in the neighbourhood, one of our neighbours called to say that he had found her and taken her remains to the SPCA. She had been hit by a car. Even though we had contacted the SPCA, they never told us of the dead Siamese that had been brought in. We all cried and cried but another piece of me grew even more distant from May Ling. I also felt so guilty that Misumi had been killed by a car…something that we should have prevented by keeping her in the house. I was more mindful after that, ensuring May Ling was in the house but that wasn’t ever a problem as she was a homebody.
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| May Ling always liked being in all the action…if I was in the kitchen…she was either sleeping near by or watching what I was making |
It was hard on May Ling when Alyssa went off to University that fall. She would go around meowing miserably for her girl. When I got pregnant with Will that fall we decided to go ahead and get another Siamese, more for May Ling than anyone else. Ryuuki, (which means little dragon) came into our home a tiny but rowdy little scruff of fur. Even though May Ling had been on the scene first, he quickly showed her that he was in charge even though he was 1/2 her size. She seemed to be okay with that as long as he let her sleep next to him.
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| Our little dragon, Ryuui became May Ling’s cat companion after her sister Misumi died |
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| Alyssa was home from University last summer…May Ling was always in her lap |
This last Spring, I knew in my heart that May Ling wasn’t going to be with us much longer. I didn’t know how much longer we had with her but she seemed to be wasting away. All of our Siamese cats get very sleek and trim in the summer so perhaps the loss of her weight wasn’t so much a concern but it was the look she gave me that told me the end was coming. Every time I would sit down too she was right there wanting attention and she would look up into my eyes with such love. She seemed to be getting around well, although occasionally, it appeared she had sore joints. She would still follow me out and around the garden and she was certainly eating with her usual delicate appetite…no longer the wide load of her youth.
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| After Alyssa left home, Clark was always good for a good sit |
On the day that she went missing, I had spent it with my sisters at a lavender farm, where we learned to make wreaths. When I arrived home later in the afternoon, I don’t recall seeing May Ling. I hurriedly made a couple pizzas, one to take to my sister’s home as she had invited us out for the evening and one to leave with the kids who would stay home. We spent the evening visiting my sisters and their husbands and when we returned late in the evening, the last thing I was thinking about were our cats. It had been a long, delightful day and besides, Grace had been taking care of the cats. She was responsible for feeding them twice a day.I feel bad now, not knowing exactly when our sweet girl may have gone missing.
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| Enjoy the beauty of life…a picture from the lavender farm…July 22nd when May Ling went missing |
When she didn’t show up the next day, I knew something was wrong. As I got the little kids ready for swimming lessons in the morning, May Ling wasn’t meowing for her breakfast which often annoyed me as I had so many mouths to feed. I would yell to Grace, “feed the cats!” as I would race out the door with the little kids but that morning even Ryuuki wasn’t around. He often sleeps in though so that wasn’t my concern….not seeing May Ling worried me, Already my gut was telling me something wasn’t right.
Well we did the usual. Called the SPCA. I whistled and called her name. We walked and drove around the neighbourhood but there wasn’t any sign of her. For the last week we have left the doors open, just in case she should walk back home. I have been haunted by her beautiful blue eyes though. They follow me everywhere, during my wakeful hours and in my sleep. Several nights after she disappeared, I had a dream of my mother holding her gently in her arms, telling me that she was okay and she would love her now. (My mother passed away 3 years ago but always loved our cats)
Since then I have had to let go to a degree for the sake of my well being, but still, she is in my conscious thoughts. Here is what she has taught me, or perhaps the better word would be reminded me.
Our fur friends remind us that life is short.
To be loving, both giving and graciously receiving, while we are here.
Be at peace, have lots of naps and look for fun things to do whenever we can.
They are gifts that come for a brief part of our lifetime and for us to really learn from them, we need to love them well, with all our hearts and with full abandon. They give us far more than we can EVER give them in return.
In hindsight, I wished I had loved her better. I wished I had taken a bit more time to rest and let her sleep in my lap. I wished I had told her what a wonderfully lovable cat she was and how thankful I was to have her in our family.
I know that I wasn’t the best cat mom to her but I have learned my lesson. Ryuuki is getting all of the attention right now and lapping it up. He doesn’t seem to be distraught over her disappearance. He is just living his life and enjoying his family. Perhaps he is teaching me another valuable lesson.
“Love the one your with|”
Wherever you are May Ling…you were a GREAT cat. Thank you!….we will love you forever!
If you can’t see the above video…here’s a hyper-link to listen to “Love the One Your With/”
Until we meet again, may you be well, happy and peaceful.
Blessings from Hope
Tamara you are so sweet! It's been a month since May Ling disappeared…..I miss her everyday but I hope wherever she is she knows how much we loved her.