I’ve had him for eighteen years. You’d think that would be enough, but it’s not. And yet, I’m ever so mindful that I have been blessed. I am a blessed, beyond measure mom. I’m blessed, because I know there are women out there, who would have given anything for just one day holding their baby.
There are women out there, who will never know the joy of watching their baby take his first step, say mama for the first time, watch him turn back with a smile and a wave as he heads off to kindergarten and finally say, “I love you,” as he leans down for a hug and a kiss before heading off to University.
And so with that awareness and with tears in my eyes, I say goodbye. Not just for me but for those women who will never even have the chance to say, “hello.” It’s a knowledge that fills me up with abundant gratitude and humbleness, it spills out of my heart with vast appreciation for all I’ve been given, so that on days like this, I remember, it could have been different.
I could have been that other woman.
Also, Harrison was a baby that almost wasn’t.
I was in my late 30’s when he was born. Very late. In fact, I turned 39 a month before he was born and in those days, well even in these days, there is this belief that once you hit 40, it’s game over as far as fertility goes. He made it in what most would call under the wire since most couples choose to have their families before they hit that “Four oh” number.
Another reason Harrison was almost not on earth was because well, I had a husband who was content and happy with our three children. We had our lovely daughter Alyssa Rae, and our son Clark Douglas (named after my dad and David’s grandfather) and even had a “bonus,” baby, “Mitchell David,” who was born when I was thirty six. (David was 37)
When I watched our three kids have their snacks around the colourful, little Tykes picnic table in our kitchen, it always felt like someone was missing. I couldn’t explain this to anyone, but it felt like a deep void in our family. Our best friends at the time, all felt that a two child family was perfect and they often referred to our family of five as BIG, and they were in awe as to how we managed it.
Also, my in laws felt we had pushed the limits when we had had three children. Certainly, my mother in law didn’t understand why I would give up my career and have a third baby. She shook her head and said, “if we had had a choice, we would have only had two children.” Hmmm, I often wondered how their daughter and son, who were number 3 and 4 felt about THAT! Maybe they didn’t even know that these were her feelings, or did they? Even my mom, who loved babies, felt like I had my hands full with our three and when I tried to share my dream of having one more baby, she didn’t understand, even though I was HER number four baby.
But life has a way of flowing and finding it’s natural progression and like a river, whose destiny is to meet the ocean, Harrison glimpsed an opening and quietly slipped through the curtain to find his way under my heart.
He was meant to be.
That was a tough pregnancy for me emotionally, since most of my support system didn’t understand my desire for another baby. They were all perplexed as to why we would have one more. Also, David spent most of those nine months very quiet. At first, he was concerned that with us being older, there would be health issues for the baby or myself but even after the amnio results assured us that our little one was perfect, he remained detached from me. I suppose in hindsight, he was trying to come to terms with having a larger family, one bigger than he had ever dreamed of, and of course, now that he was the main breadwinner, he was probably feeling stressed.
The moment Harrison was born though, two weeks early just before Christmas in 1998, it felt like he had always been with us. He was the sweetest baby and made these soft mewing noises as he settled into my arms. And if David had any misgivings of having another baby, they vanished when holding his son for the first time for he realized that he looked, EXACTLY like him.
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| Harrison Drew, finally in my arms. I knew this baby was meant to be! |
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| The most peaceful, yet powerful thing is watching your strong husband sleep with your tiny baby..David and Harrison |
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| Harrison with his classic pooh bear. I used to sing a little song to him, “Harrison Drew, Winnie the Pooh, what a sweet, sweet little babe.” |
In retrospect, little Harrison Drew’s babyhood and childhood flew by. When you have many children, the focus is always moving and although it lingers on which ever child needs the most attention in the moment, or which ever child is shining the brightest, Harrison always found a way to lighten our household with his quick wit and brilliant humour and we paused to admire this lovely child as he grew. He was strong minded as well, so in that regard he was an easy child to raise because we knew exactly what he liked and did not like….and his stubbornness meant we couldn’t sway him.
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| When Harrison arrived, he just completed our family nicely….four was our number for a long while |
I’ll never forget picking him up from preschool one time and he looked up at me and complained, “they made me do a craft today!” he wailed. And over his head, me with questioning eyes found his teacher Jennifer laughing. She explained that, “well, yes, we had him make a finger puppet today so he could participate when we read a special book at story time.” I looked at his big blue eyes (they are now more green like mine) with their long lashes and had to laugh. Yes, this little boy knew exactly what he wanted in life and it was not doing crafts!
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| In this picture you can see that colourful picnic table in our kitchen…it always felt like someone was missing until Harrison arrived. Here are Harrison and Mitchell with Harrison’s new birthday gift…fire engine |
But he moved through his childhood with a determination of knowing what he wanted and that made it easy. When David picked him up from ski lessons another time, the ski instructor said, “your son doesn’t want to follow the group or me for that matter,” so David pulled him out of formal lessons and just had Harrison ski with him and his older brothers. Those boys were thrilled to teach their little brother how to find the best jumps and it was always a competition to go fast and see who had the highest air time. And even though his older brother received his second Dan is Tae know do at age 16, Harrison was happy with his black belt that he got when he was 12 and said, he was done with marital arts.
And when summer came, even though he had older siblings who were lifeguards and swim instructors, when I asked him if he wanted to finish his Red Cross program, (he only had one more level to complete) he said, “save the money, because I can swim well enough.” He was always questioning the value of things, both in time and in money.
When it came to music, after playing violin for six years he knew definitively that he wanted to study percussion, even though my heart was set on him continuing to play the strings with his older brothers. He would tap on everything he could get his hands on until we switched him over to drum lessons which he took most of high school. And he knew soccer and basketball would be the only sports for him, even though he tried volleyball one season and said, “nope, not his sport.” I think he would have really loved to have played Rugby too, but he was aware of the physical risks involved …thank heavens he listened to that brain injury rant of mine!
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| He always had a thing for athletic shoes!…wearing his big brother’s shoes! |
And when it came time for him to decide which University to attend, it was no contest. He knew he wanted to take business and the University of Victoria, which is his older sister’s Alma mater, and where his older brother Mitchell currently attends, was the best choice for him. Even though, there is a perfectly great University just down the road from our home, he was going to go away to attend school.
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| Some of our best family memories were on Vancouver Island…why am I surprised that he wants to attend University there? |
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| Harrison on his graduation day, June 2017 |
I’ve known for 18 years that this day would come. I’ve known all summer that it was almost upon my doorstep. Why is it always so hard to say goodbye when the time comes? This summer, as I would drive him to work, or on the return journey home, or when he and I were just hanging out in the family room, drinking some ice tea and chatting, I would tell him everything in my heart.
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| I asked Harrison to go and get a cabbage from the garden for coleslaw one night and he came up holding it like it was a basketball….had to take a picture of that ’cause this is another thing I will miss…watching him shine on the court |
Things like;
How to live life fully, experiencing everything and being your best self, but being mindful of others along the path. To appreciate the gift of a post secondary education and to not squander the opportunity by wasting time and fooling around. Work first, play second. Be kind, be respectful, be polite. Respect and honour women and elders. Use everything you have to leave this world a better place and take care of our planet for the generations to come.
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| always with love… |
I’ve been lecturing all summer and in hindsight, I wished I had been loving more, but I have always felt like I had to be the tough parent. You know the strict one. I play the bad cop often and my husband plays the good cop. That makes me mad sometimes, ’cause I want my kids to love me the best, but it’s okay in the end. As long as they grow to live up to their potential, and if that means that I’m the one who rants on and on and pushes them further, and my husband stands by as a quiet supporter, often moving us quickly from a hard subject with a witty retort or joke, well so be it. I hope when Harrison has some time away from the family and takes a moment to reflect on how he was parented, he knows, I always had his back and I was the one who wanted him long before he came to earth.
One thing I did this past summer, to keep our connection strong, was make sure he had a few treats. When I picked him up from his job at the Home Depot and then his landscaping job, I always had some frosty ice tea waiting in the car for him. On several occasions I made some yummy blueberry muffins (see a later post) and there was ALWAYS thick slices of zucchini bread for his lunch time snack. He recently informed me that he doesn’t really like cookies any longer but there is one that he still enjoys and before he left I made sure to make a big batch of……
my peanut butter flax seed cookies.
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| If there is one cookie Harrison enjoys…it’s one with peanut butter in it…the flax is a nice nutty touch |
I know a lot of people are allergic to peanuts (so sorry!) but thankfully, none of our children have been and that is a good thing because we all love peanut butter in our house. I know our kids really love to be able to have peanut butter cookies and sandwiches all summer long since they can’t have them during the school year.
So if you are like us and love a really good peanut butter cookie, you will love this one and hey, it’s pretty healthy too, well relatively healthy anyway. And maybe if there is someone in your life that you have to say goodbye to, make some cookies, and as you are hugging them, slip them into their backpack with a note that says, “you are LOVED!”
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| Not a great picture as the sun was sprinkling it’s light, but this was Harrison and I saying goodbye at 8 am this morning |
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| Instead of goodbye, I think I will just say, “see you soon, I love you!!!” David and Harrison off to University…kind of a tradition now for my husband to take our kids to school….while I stay home and cry while writing a blog post pouring it all out! |
I hope you join me in the kitchen to make these soft, chewy cookies. and while we mix, we can listen to this song. Maybe you will cry with me as I sing “How to say goodbye,” by Michael W. Smith.
This song is dedicated to my sweet son Harrison.
Shine on!
If you have a child who is still at home, yes we have to provide a strong foundation for them to grow, and if you are like me, maybe a lecture or two along the way, but a plateful of cookies now and then is another way to remind them they are loved. Although we are moving more and more towards eating less sugar, I think my cookie jar will always be full as long as I have children at home
Love them while you have a chance to…’cause saying goodbye reminds me they are with us for only a blink of an eye.
If we have to say goodbye, let us unwrap this time, and see it for the gift it is; a lesson in living more fully and awake.
Hope’s Peanut butter Flax seed Cookies
Ingredients
1/2 cup of butter
1 cup brown sugar
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 cup creamy peanut butter…we use the organic peanut butter from Costco
11/4 cups all purpose flour….can use half whole wheat for a healthier cookie
1/2 cup ground flax seed
1 tsp baking soda
dash of salt
Directions
Preheat oven to 375 degrees
In a large bowl mix butter and sugar until creamy. Add the egg and vanilla.
Add peanut butter until well combined
In a separate bowl, add all the remaining ingredients.
Stir dry ingredients into the butter mixture and mix well.
Spoon tablespoon and roll into balls. USING A Fork (Harrison likes flattened cookies) flatten cookies using a criss cross pattern. I like to sprinkle a bit more flax on top of each cookie…a single whole peanut is a nice touch too.
Bake in oven for 10 minutes.
Makes 24 cookies…of course I double the above for our family….these cookies go fast!!!
Thank you for visiting today. Please come back soon. It’s been a funny summer for me but this fall I hope to spend more time talking about moving towards a simpler life…minimalist posts, more posts on raising children and more time out in the garden. Come back again…
And until we meet again, may you be well, happy and peaceful.
Blessings from Hope