Before you were born
you whispered to me,
“be brave, let go,
allow goodness to come.”
And so I jumped and
you fell from the stars
into my arms.
Ever since the world is a little brighter.
Keep shining my beautiful Diamond Girl.
~Lee Reynolds~
I can’t sleep. A new day is dawning and I keep thinking about another time when I was lying awake under another dark umbrella, wondering if we would ever see the light of day again. Although what we are experiencing right now in the world with the COVID 19 pandemic is bringing us all together, what I went through thirty years ago was a lonely, personal one.
On March 26, 1990, I woke up early in the Vancouver, Grace Hospital, knowing that my first pregnancy was coming to an end. Medical Specialist told us that our baby would likely require a shunt operation immediately after birth, to remove dangerous fluid from damaging her brain, and so her delivery was being induced a month early.
We didn’t know at that time if damage to her brain had already occurred.
The last few weeks of what up to that point, had been an easy, textbook pregnancy, (except for a cold virus I had had late in the 1st trimester) ended in a whirlwind of exams, appointments and a mad scramble to our Province’s high risk maternity hospital. It finally ended suddenly, with the induced, premature birth of our baby girl. Throughout that nightmare, I kept holding onto the belief that somehow things would be all right.
I prayed a lot!
The first announcement we heard in the wee hours of March 27, 1990 after our daughter was born, was by the pediatrician. In the darkened, hushed delivery room he quietly but confidently declared, “she’s a keeper.” My husband David and I both exhaled a long, held breath. The next day, after our daughter had been examined, poked and prodded and an ultrasound had been performed, we were told she would not require a shunt and did not have the condition, hydrocephalus. She had an absent corpus callosum, which had created the dilated ventricles in her brain.
A keeper with an brain abnormality
During our last consult, with the pediatric neurosurgeon, we discovered that not much was known about this kind of variation to brain development. He assured us that they would follow our case and our daughter would be closely examined for milestone achievements throughout the first few years of life. His advice as he walked us out of the office was to
take her home and treat her like normal.
Whoosh……
I just shook my head as we left his office, looking down at our precious baby bundled in her car seat, I wondered if all of this could have been avoided if I hadn’t had that last ultrasound at 34 weeks. Why did we have to do that last utero check one final time? Seeing her tiny face peeking out from her pink bunny suit, you would NEVER think she was anything other than a beautiful, “normal,” baby.” That diagnoses never left us. Though life found a new normalcy, the words, “Agenesis of corpus callosum,” was a lingering guest in our home.
In addition to being a new mother, I threw myself into researching everything I could get my hands on regarding stimulating a baby’s brain. Everything I did in that first year was to make neuron connections. I’ve written about it before on this blog, so I won’t go into the details of what we did when Alyssa was a baby but I did want to give you a glimpse into her childhood, so you can get a sense of the pressure that diagnoses held over us all. In an attempt to enrich her development, we exposed her to eighteen years of non stop stimulation.
Take a peek into the activities she experienced as a child and a teen: “years of swimming lessons, toddler gym time, skating, ballet, and tap lessons, soccer, girl guides, down hill ski lessons, cross country ski lessons (with the school), 10 years of piano lessons, Kumon math classes, art camps, science camps, flute lessons, music theory classes, Irish dance lessons, not to mention the various clubs she was in during high school.
From Kindergarten on, her friends were a circle of high achievers and they were often registered together in the same activities and competed for top grades, festival awards, school recognized accomplishments, which created a tight network of cohorts. They kept busy socially as well, having play dates, birthday parties, and sleep overs together.
Alyssa was a quiet, graceful, sweet little girl, who grew up into an easy teen. Maybe if she had complained about the over scheduling I may have had a serious look at what we were doing but she was hardly ever sick and seemed to weather it all well. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that all her friends were also really driven. Something I found interesting though was when many of her friends were having diva, drama moments, she kept an even keel. There were seldom any emotional outburst, which should have been my clue that all was not normal.
Clearly she loved to read and she excelled in English but she was also a wonderful artist and she loved to create, sketch and paint. Her piano was the central theme in her life growing up but she also was a wonderfully strong swimmer and loved playing in the family pool in the summer. In the winter, she enjoyed down hill skiing with the family.
Year after year, she just kept accumulating achievements. She and her school team won the “District Battle of the Books” for two years running, she played flute in the school band, the jazz band and the Okanagan Youth Symphony, she accompanied her brothers on piano as they played at violin and cello festivals, she herself competed in piano festivals and always came first place in the Romance category. She competed in Irish Dance Feis, winning awards.
In addition, she acquired her Red Cross bronze medallion, bronze cross, and finally her (NLS) lifeguard certificate, which allowed her to work during the summers at our local water slide park and various pools in our small town. She also taught piano in high school. In grade 12 she completed her Royal Conservatory Music, Grade 10 level for piano and rounded out that year playing, Rachmanioff’s “Etude Tableaux, Op 33, No 8 in G minor,” on our Performing Arts Theatre stage during the school’s “Juno Night.” (You can hear it below…although sadly this is not Alyssa playing…wish I had been more techy 12 years ago)
By the time Alyssa graduated in 2008, she and her friends were in the top 10 percent of their class for academic achievement and they took the bulk of the scholarship awards allowing them to all head off to their respective Universities of choice.
Did I have any regrets in over scheduling our daughter at the time?
No, not at the time.
When David and I held our tiny daughter in our arms as a baby, we vowed we would do everything in our power to help her succeed in life. As we watched her head off to University with quiet confidence, we thought we had accomplished what we set out to do.
Keep in mind as well, that we were just a product of our time, raising our daughter in the 90’s and early 2000’s. This was not uncommon for many parents at the time. By the time she graduated, people were just starting to talk about anxiety in our children and ask themselves the question….
“What is a successful life?”
(I have since had many second thoughts on raising our beautiful girl and wondered how she would have turned out without us putting so much pressure on her. Did all those activities alter her brain formation? Those thoughts are influencing how I’m raising our younger children now. I may still provide abundant enrichment in their lives but I make it clear that they are not their achievements. They are children of the Universe and it’s time for us to allow them to listen to their inner soul….it’s a fine line we walk)
As Alyssa continued to accomplish everything she set out to do at University; obtaining her BA in English and then her B Ed, we had no idea that she would also spend much of her twenties rewiring her brain from a whirlwind belief system, “that you are “not” the sum of your accomplishments.” After graduating from University, she went to London to teach for two years. During every spare break, she travelled all over Europe, inhaling all the places she had read about and all the places she wanted to see for herself.
During her her time in the U.K. and through her travels her sense of self was strengthened and she started to really shine as she followed her passions in life not defined by others.
She has since returned to Canada and created a comfortable life for herself, living and writing next to the ocean. The waves fill her with tranquility and when she walks around our Province’s historic capital city, Victoria, she says she is reminded of London, which has a similar climate and feel in many ways.
At thirty, (today…yea!) I think she is proud of all she has accomplished. After all, it wasn’t easy. Sometimes. she’s a little embarrassed when people learn about her numerous talents and achievements. She has always been humble. She knows that her accomplishments are not who she is. I may be wrong, but I think if I were to ask her now what’s most important to her, she would say that following her passion to write, to create, to explore, and continue to be a piece of the magic in the Universe, is where it’s at for her today. In many ways she’s pushed herself to the brink and beyond and taught me to believe and trust that we are always on the right path when we listen to our heart.
I think of her as my “Diamond Girl.” Made from Carbon and Pressure, she is my jewel and oh so precious. I often tell her to keep shining!
I know it’s sappy Alyssa but….
You sure do shine!
And so, as the day unfolds and I can hear my younger children start to wake for the day, I’m sitting under a totally different dark umbrella. I don’t know when the storm of this world wide pandemic will end, I can only hold onto the belief that all shall be well. When our daughter Alyssa was born, I was thrown into a personal life struggle to raise her the best I could.
Giving birth also connected me to all the mothers in the world. Who knew that something so simple as becoming a mom would be so powerful. Giving birth connected me to all the children in the world too. They are all mine and now I see that experiencing this global pandemic is just an extension of my heart. We are all connected on this planet and none of us are alone. Our personal identity is shifting as well; we are not what we do, we are not what’s in our bank account, we are not our achievements. We aren’t even our bodies. (or our brains)
I also know that we are going to be okay.
How do I know that? Because Alyssa taught me long before she came to earth, to be brave, to let go and allow goodness to come and when we do that, it manifests into something even bigger than we could ever dream. Alyssa, and the generation of children she grew up with are not perfect but I think they understand that by being individuals and following their own unique talents and gifts that this will allow them to be stronger together.
They’ve got this.
Sadly, due to this whole social isolation thing we have had to cancel our trip to Vancouver Island to celebrate our daughter’s birthday but we will still celebrate it. A Skype visit and a promised trip later in the year, when the environment is healthy to do so. As we told Alyssa last night when we spoke with her, this is just another birthday she will never forget.
None of us will.
Keep shining Alyssa.
You are surely loved.
And to close out this post I wanted to share a link where you can find my daughter on line and also a YouTube video and song by one of my favourite groups to end this post.
Happy Birthday Alyssa!
This one is for you, here are the lyrics and the YouTube video.
Diamond Girl by Seals and Crofts
Diamond Girl – you sure do shine
Glad I found you – glad you’re mine
Oh my love you’re like a precious stone
Part of earth where heaven has rained on
Makes no difference where you are
Day or nighttime you’re like a shinin’ star
And how could I shine without you
When it’s about you that I am
Diamond Girl – roamin’ wild
Such a rare thing – radiant child
I could never find another one like you
Part of me is deep down inside you
Can’t you feel the whole world’s a-turnin’
We are real and… Diamond Girl –
Until we connect again, may you be well, happy and peaceful.
Blessings from Hope