I’ve been holding my breath ever since Will started kindergarten a month ago. Today I exhaled. There is a lot of history here which I could never start to share completely with you but I will give you a peak into the last 6 years. Well, actually it goes farther back than that. It goes back to June 2004 when D and I got surprisingly pregnant with our “Moonbeam” baby.
I say, surprisingly because this baby was conceived AFTER our daughter Grace was born, when I was in my 40’s. We had worked so hard to bring her into the world and neither of us thought we would ever get pregnant again. During the full moon cycle that month, another baby was conceived. I’ll never forget that night since I woke up in the wee hours to see a luminous full moon reflecting white light off the waters of the lake below our home. It was breathtaking and full of magic.
We were absolutely shocked when we found out I was pregnant. I mean if you knew how hard and what we had gone through to conceive Grace, then you’d understand our amazement. D walked around very quiet, his way of processing the news, and I just stayed busy with our other children. In my quiet moments I would think about our new baby and I was in awe.
Just as we were wrapping our heads around the idea of six children and starting to work with a contractor to design and build a bigger house for us, I miscarried. D seemed relieved as if a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. We had missed the bullet of sleepless nights, years of diapers, and of course a lifetime of caring for another child. I was sad. Over the course of the weeks and months after the miscarriage, I couldn’t shake my grief. I felt like someone was lost. Someone was missing. Like a piece of me was gone forever. I started dreaming about a child and then I started to hear a soft whisper telling me he was patiently waiting.We came together in my dreams and danced with joy.
Even though I knew the odds of getting pregnant again were against us due to my age, and the risk of having a baby with health issues were high, I convinced D to join me in the journey of trying to bring our Moonbeam baby back into our lives.
 |
| Me in 2008 before Will was conceived |
 |
| D in 2008 |
I won’t go detail regarding the efforts we went to conceive, in this short blog post because I’m actually writing a book on this journey, but when I finally found out we were pregnant again, I knew there was a very special soul coming to earth. I would breathe light filled energy, full of love into my womb and just smile. Of course, after experiencing several miscarriages, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop but my heart said to enjoy each day. I would blow my fears out into the Universe and recite my mantra, “all shall be well.”
Will was born on June 25, 2009 after a quick but intense labour and delivery. When my Doctor lifted him up to place him on my tummy, I knew him instantly. He was the baby from my dreams. He was our Moonbeam baby. He was round and chubby and looked like a happy Buddha except he was crying loudly. When he was wrapped in warm cotton blankets and placed into my arms he quieted, wide eyed at the world around him.
From day one I sensed he was a bit different than our other babies. I couldn’t even put him down to go to the bathroom or he would cry bitterly. I thought this was a bit odd since our other babies would sleep a lot in the first few days on earth. He would rouse as soon as I would lay him down and start to cry, and so I hardly put him down. He slept with me and I wore him in a sling.
 |
| Will home from the hospital…just putting him next to this cake for a picture made him fussy….Grace is thrilled |
 |
| When Will was just 7 weeks old we went camping…yes I look rough but I was so happy to have this baby…this is the sling he basically lived in for the first 6 months of his life |
I thought once he settle into the rhythm of our household, he would relax but he never did.
 |
| He loved being near his siblings and would quiet when they were close. In this picture from L to R..Mitchell is 13, Harrison is 10 and Grace is 6 |
Since I’d waited so long to have him in my arms, as exhausted as I was with a newborn and 5 older children, I just didn’t put him down, literally. For six months he was always in my arms. When I had to put him in his car seat to travel anywhere, he fussed and was always on the verge of really howling. As soon as he settled into my arms, he would fall asleep or just smile at the world around him.
 |
| I felt like I had to pinch myself…he was with me at last |
 |
| I loved having our baby close |
Something I learned with our other children was how fast the first year flies by and a good mantra to live by was, “this too shall pass.” Occasionally, at the Baby Mamas group I attended, I realized Will was an extremely high needs baby compared to others but he was so healthy, so beautiful, that I just chocked it up to him being an extremely special and unique soul.
 |
| This wise soul taught so much BEFORE he was even came to earth |
Since we listened to his intense needs from day one, he grew to be a confident, trusting little boy. We found he attached easily to other people and had the ability to love deeply and give immense hugs. I had a few intuitive people comment on the light filled energy surrounding him and they told me he was a special soul.
 |
| A rare moment that he slept out of my arms…it never lasted more than 20 minutes |
When Will started preschool, concerns over his social development became apparent. On the very first day he gave his teachers huge hugs which made me so proud but then I later learned, showing physical affection was discouraged. If he was going to fit into acceptable parameters, then we would have to work with him. Encourage him to give his friends space and remember not to pop their “bubble,” and to ask if giving a hug would be alright. He had this huge personality. Most of the children were shy, some were not communicating well, others were having separation anxiety when their parents left them. He was living life large, confident, as if he had waited a long time to come to earth. He wasn’t going to waste another moment. Everything was great! Each day was better than before. The smallest thing would make his exclaim to me, “Mommy, this was the BEST day!”
 |
| Will with his preschool helpers |
He was intensely curious and interested in everything. He would ask endless questions, even when he knew the answers. I do know he overwhelmed other friends at preschool with his intensity, his size, for he was big for his age. He was also a high needs child, in the sense that he demanded attention and was easily stimulated. If the teachers added a small touch in the playroom for instance, Will would be the first to notice it. Things that I had thought were brilliant seemed like barriers to his learning from his teacher’s point of view. It made me sad to think he had to limit himself to be socially acceptable and curtail his immense enthusiasm. Readying himself for school.
 |
| Will on his preschool graduation day, June 2014. His light is ALWAYS on. |
As you know, I have qualms about the school system providing him what he needs but I have been hesitant in believing I am totally capable of creating a well balanced, rich learning environment for him to thrive as well. A part of me feels the educators know best and it is in Will’s interests to learn how to quell his intensity, be patient, resist his impulses and learn to moderate the way he responds to stimulation. The part that doesn’t feel right, is the feeling that we have bought a bag of used goods. That our education system in not keeping pace with children like Will. Well to be honest, most children, for each child is unique and special. Each learns at their own pace and it’s tragic that we have to hold those who are accelerated in their thinking back for others to catch up, or visa versa. Will still has social issues to deal with but he is flying with regards to his academic achievements. We all have “stuff” to work on and the fact that he remains so joy filled buoys me into believing he is still teaching me, not the other way around.
 |
| Will reminds me to slide through life with joy…here he is at Davison Orchard Farm |
Last week at kindergarten, the children were playing a game called, “you catch me and kiss me” and Will was chasing girls AND boys and when he caught them, he tried to kiss them. He’s fast by the way, so this probably scared a few of the children as they were caught easily. They are all learning their limits. He and the other children were told that this was not appropriate and they were asked to stop playing this game. Will must have been taunted because he was caught doing it again and received time out. Then, a few days later he told me that the children were asking him to chase them again, he said, “Mommy, I told them no,” but he was obviously sad about it as he hung his head. He’s struggling to know how to make friends.
Then today there was another incident. The class was outside making apple juice and although I didn’t get the full story, I heard that Will had pushed another little boy and received more time out. When I picked him up after school he ran to me, clinging as if he hadn’t seen me in years. When I heard about the incident I was perplexed. I want him so fit in but not lose his own spirit along the way. It seems like once children start school they start losing their soul light. He’s struggling to find his place in his kindergarten class. His place in the world.
I just don’t remember this from raising our other children. Most of our children were quieter, not so intense. Their teachers always said they were very well behaved and it was hard getting them to talk. They all did extremely well academically but were socially withdrawn compared to Will….although probably more the norm. So this huge soul energy is new to me. I just don’t want his spirit to be crushed in the haste to teach him socially acceptable behavior. Maybe we parents all feel the same about our children but because we waited so long to have this little guy, I just want everything to be easy for him now that he is here. I want the world to recognize the gifts of love and joy he has brought.
While we raced around after school today, driving Grace to piano, the little kids to the library, picking up Harrison and his volleyball friends from jazz band and driving them to their volleyball game, and finally, picking up our oldest son from the University bus, it dawned on me. No amount of worrying or concern was going to solve this but it’s no big deal. The mantra that I had used while I was pregnant with Will, would provide peace for me. No matter what, “all shall be well.” Will taught me to let go and trust before he was on earth and now, I have to remember this lesson.
I’m thankful that he is here. That I even have this issue to contemplate and that reminds me of the lyrics of a song I used to sing to our older children, “Who’s to say, what’s impossible, well they forget, this world keeps spinning and with each new day I can feel a change in everything.”
So I don’t know what you are facing in your life, but we all have fears and doubts, especially for our children. Or even if you are trying to conceive, you may have huge doubts and fears (whose to say what’s impossible)…..maybe this blog post will help you feel a connection. Remembering that it’s okay, all shall be well…..feel a change in everything.
Sing along with me in this YouTube video….Jack Johnson and Curious George…he reminds me a lot of my sweet boy….”where there is a Will there is a way.” My Moonbeam baby arrived almost 5 years to the night I woke in wonder over seeing that magical June 2004 moon. Sometimes miracles are so subtle.
 |
| Allow Miracles to Happen….at every stage of your life |
JACK JOHNSON LYRICS
“Upside Down”
Who’s to say
What’s impossible
 |
| My endlessly loving, enthusiastic, curious little boy |
Well they forgot
This world keeps spinning
And with each new day
I can feel a change in everything
And as the surface breaks reflections fade
But in some ways they remain the same
And as my mind begins to spread its wings
There’s no stopping curiosity
I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I’ll find the things they say just can’t be found
I’ll share this love I find with everyone
We’ll sing and dance to Mother Nature’s songs
I don’t want this feeling to go away
Who’s to say
I can’t do everything
Well I can try
And as I roll along I begin to find
Things aren’t always just what they seem
I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I’ll find the things they say just can’t be found
I’ll share this love I find with everyone
We’ll sing and dance to Mother Nature’s songs
This world keeps spinning and there’s no time to waste
Well it all keeps spinning spinning round and round and
Upside down
Who’s to say what’s impossible and can’t be found
I don’t want this feeling to go away
Please don’t go away
Please don’t go away
Please don’t go away
Is this how it’s supposed to be
Is this how it’s supposed to be
And until we meet again, may you be well, happy and peaceful.
Blessings from Hope